The novel discusses in-depth the events that transpired as well as the long-term psychological trauma Vanessa struggles with in the aftermath.

It is one of the most frustrating books I have ever read, and I 100% believe that was the author’s intention. The entire time, you’re witnessing Vanessa try to justify the abuse Strane poses on her as being “love”, and you yourself wind up questioning if you’re being gaslit or if perhaps he did care for her on some level. We are able to get a sense of the truth through other characters and their reactions, but it paints a very vivid and realistic depiction of what victims of sexual abuse actually perceive these relationships to be like, and it is as heartbreaking as it is frustrating.

The prose and descriptions were phenomenal, the references were on point, the characters were beautifully flawed, and the story, at its core, was not afraid to be itself. The abuse was not overly violent or obvious; not at first, at least. It was subtle, enough to the point that you were left reading between the lines of every single thing Strane said or did. In some ways, it seemed like he loved her. He was kind to her and praised her. But he also ignored her desires. Pushed her boundaries. Lied and manipulated and raped and tried to paint these horrific events as something that Vanessa asked for. It was horrific, manipulative, and difficult to read in some cases.

The twist of Strane committing suicide near the latter half of the book took me by surprise, though it was not entirely unexpected. Even with his death, I thought it was a realistic touch that despite the man being gone, Vanessa was still unable to move on with her life. The trauma does not just dissipate the second the abuser is out of sight. It sticks with you like glue, like gum on the sole of your shoe or a mouse in a glue trap–you rarely ever notice it’s there until it’s too late to be removed.

One of my only gripes is regarding the length. This book had a lot of padding, and it honestly could have hit harder if some of it had been cut out. A lot of the secondary characters and their plot lines were not as fully fleshed as they could have been, and consequently wound up fading into the background without any real resolution or notable impact on Vanessa (such as with Ira, Jenny, and Henry–while they held potential, their disappearances made their appearance in the first place feel underwhelming).

The ending also felt rather abrupt. While I appreciated the realism behind the journalist completely flaking on Taylor’s desire for justice, I was left largely unclear as to how much Vanessa had changed in the end. Expanding the ending could have aided a lot in fixing this and giving it a concrete resolution, but perhaps the openness was part of the author’s intention.

Even with its flaws, this novel is raw in its honesty and intensity. It tragically yet beautifully encapsulates how we as people undermine our ability to absolutely destroy another person and how the victim is often left as the only person capable of picking up the pieces.

It is hard. It is tough.

But I think it is necessary. 🖤🦋